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Never Let Go

People say that you shouldn’t let fear keep you from doing things, especially when your fear is irrational.

It is also said that it’s better to keep silent and let people think you’re a fool, than to open your mouth and prove it.

According to my therapy a fear is irrational when is when your life or well-being is in danger, or that of someone you love. No exceptions. SO ask yourself: Does my fear fit the facts?

Is my life or the life of someone I love in danger? No.

Is my health or the health of someone I love in danger? No.

Is my well-being or the well-being of someone I love in danger? No.

Is my fear rational? No.

Would it make sense to keep avoiding what I fear? No, because it hasn’t helped the situation at all, and it’s nearly too late.

Just remember to stick to the facts.

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Fuck anxiety

I should be in class right now, but I’m not. Why? Anxiety.

It’s funny how you miss one class, and you don’t go to the next one because you’re too anxious that you missed the last class. It just snowballs from there.

I’m freaking out about my GPA, so I’m missing class, but because I’m missing class, I’m not there to turn in my homework. Messed up, right? So now I’m sitting here feeling massively guilty about not being in class, the fact that my GPA may dip below 3.0 because I’m not in class, and the fact that people (and myself) expect me to get at least a 3.0.

Anxiety is paralyzing me. I feel like a deer caught in the headlights. Hopefully I won’t be one of those deer that gets hit by the car.

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Dwindling down

It doesn’t feel like November. It’s the 13th, and we haven’t had snow. Usually, it’s already snowed once, melted, then snowed again, the second time sticking around until March or April. But it’ll happen soon enough. Hopefully by Thanksgiving. I like to do my cooking when it’s cold.

2011 is slowly coming to a close, along with this semester of school. It’s gone by really quickly. It’s kind of strange. Individual days though… Those drag on for-ev-er (especially any day that isn’t Wednesday or the weekend). But I guess that’s what happens when you have 10-12 hour days. I was hoping to get rid of long days and night classes for my final semester of college, but no luck I suppose.

I’m in search of a paid internship. I have a phone interview on Wednesday with a well-known company that is in a suburb of the city (weird, I know). I’m really hoping I get it because I desperately want to leave my job at the library. The next project is going to be a pain in the ass, even though I’ll have underlings to order around.

This holiday season will be busy since I’m in charge of the cooking. I sincerely hope my aunt shows up late because I don’t think I can handle her “supervision.” But it’ll be nice to have a break of school. Sort of.

I’m totally into A Song of Fire and Ice series by George R. R. Martin. I really hope he doesn’t die before he finishes the last two books. I will resurrect him myself, force him to complete the series, and kill him in the most horrific ways possible if he dares. I’m only on the first book, but I’m hooked.

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A Year Ago…

I like comparing myself to who I was a year ago, two years ago, etc. This particular day has a lot of significance for me.

  1. A year ago today, I checked myself into the behavioral health ward, and didn’t leave until the 15th.
  2. Three years ago today, my uncle killed himself.

So November 10th, 2008, I had an uncle George, the next day I didn’t. November 10th, 2010 I finally got myself real help. For some reason significant life events that don’t pertain to school happen to me in November. My uncle dying, the worse instances of my depression, my grandfather dying, having to withdraw from a class because I would have failed it otherwise, break-ups, fights, a whole manner of personal stuff I would rather not deal with.

Yet, here I am a completely different person. Okay, maybe not completely, but if you told me that I would be six months away from graduating from college, in a happy, stable relationship and living with my boyfriend, I would’ve just stared blankly at you. Sometimes though, I do miss the emotional pain and anguish I went through all of those years. I know it’s stupid, but I find that tears are comforting. I don’t cry as often as I used to, and it disturbs me a little.

Anyway, I also have a little ranting to do.

“I don’t find myself attracted to my SO anymore, but I don’t want to hurt him/her.” You are not doing you SO a favor by staying with them, even though you don’t want to be. Breaking up sucks. It sucks to be both on the giving and receiving end. There is no way to make it suck less except be clear, honest, and quick.

75% of problems in relationships can be resolved with talking to each other. What a novel idea.

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Another Year Older, Another Year… Wiser?

Yesterday was my birthday, so let me regale you with the pearls o wisdom I’ve collected over my 22 years of living.

  • Appearances matter — to a point. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. You like making good impressions, right? That’s why you dress up for interviews and dates. But appearances still matter on an everyday basis too. Not to the extent that first impressions have, but it’s important to maintain a clean appearance. Shower, wash your hair, change your underwear, brush your hair and teeth, don’t wear clothing that’s too grungy and gross, and put on deodorant.
  • No one really feels like doing menial tasks. But they do them anyway. Why? It needs to be done. Some things really that simple.
  • Learn to cook/bake. Seriously. You abode will smell fantastic.
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Graduation

Apparently I could have graduated this coming December. This news is bittersweet because on one hand, I would’ve saved myself $3,000 in loans, and finally had a reprieve from school that I desperately need. One the other, most of the people I know in my major are graduating this December. There aren’t many jobs to begin with, and competition would get even more fierce. Plus, most employers aren’t filling entry-level positions in December yet.

Even though I am burnt out from school day-in and day-out, I’m definitely not mature enough to graduate in six weeks. There are too many variables at this point in time. My living, financial, and mental/emotional situation are all up in the air at this point, and I still don’t have a good grasp on what I want to do yet. My boyfriend is applying to grad schools and won’t be hearing anything until March at the very earliest. If he gets accepted to Northwestern and decides to attend, I would be moving to Illinois to be with him.

I’m not sure if getting a minor in psychology will help my career prospects at all. It’s doubtful, but you never know. Originally I took up the minor because I was interested in getting a PhD in clinical psychology, thus I needed coursework in psychology. While I have decided against a PhD in psychology, I retained the minor because it’s interesting and not for any practical reasons. Plus, I’m fairly certain my psychiatrist is secretly disappointed that I’m not getting a PhD.