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Never Let Go

People say that you shouldn’t let fear keep you from doing things, especially when your fear is irrational.

It is also said that it’s better to keep silent and let people think you’re a fool, than to open your mouth and prove it.

According to my therapy a fear is irrational when is when your life or well-being is in danger, or that of someone you love. No exceptions. SO ask yourself: Does my fear fit the facts?

Is my life or the life of someone I love in danger? No.

Is my health or the health of someone I love in danger? No.

Is my well-being or the well-being of someone I love in danger? No.

Is my fear rational? No.

Would it make sense to keep avoiding what I fear? No, because it hasn’t helped the situation at all, and it’s nearly too late.

Just remember to stick to the facts.

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Fuck anxiety

I should be in class right now, but I’m not. Why? Anxiety.

It’s funny how you miss one class, and you don’t go to the next one because you’re too anxious that you missed the last class. It just snowballs from there.

I’m freaking out about my GPA, so I’m missing class, but because I’m missing class, I’m not there to turn in my homework. Messed up, right? So now I’m sitting here feeling massively guilty about not being in class, the fact that my GPA may dip below 3.0 because I’m not in class, and the fact that people (and myself) expect me to get at least a 3.0.

Anxiety is paralyzing me. I feel like a deer caught in the headlights. Hopefully I won’t be one of those deer that gets hit by the car.

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Dwindling down

It doesn’t feel like November. It’s the 13th, and we haven’t had snow. Usually, it’s already snowed once, melted, then snowed again, the second time sticking around until March or April. But it’ll happen soon enough. Hopefully by Thanksgiving. I like to do my cooking when it’s cold.

2011 is slowly coming to a close, along with this semester of school. It’s gone by really quickly. It’s kind of strange. Individual days though… Those drag on for-ev-er (especially any day that isn’t Wednesday or the weekend). But I guess that’s what happens when you have 10-12 hour days. I was hoping to get rid of long days and night classes for my final semester of college, but no luck I suppose.

I’m in search of a paid internship. I have a phone interview on Wednesday with a well-known company that is in a suburb of the city (weird, I know). I’m really hoping I get it because I desperately want to leave my job at the library. The next project is going to be a pain in the ass, even though I’ll have underlings to order around.

This holiday season will be busy since I’m in charge of the cooking. I sincerely hope my aunt shows up late because I don’t think I can handle her “supervision.” But it’ll be nice to have a break of school. Sort of.

I’m totally into A Song of Fire and Ice series by George R. R. Martin. I really hope he doesn’t die before he finishes the last two books. I will resurrect him myself, force him to complete the series, and kill him in the most horrific ways possible if he dares. I’m only on the first book, but I’m hooked.

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A Year Ago…

I like comparing myself to who I was a year ago, two years ago, etc. This particular day has a lot of significance for me.

  1. A year ago today, I checked myself into the behavioral health ward, and didn’t leave until the 15th.
  2. Three years ago today, my uncle killed himself.

So November 10th, 2008, I had an uncle George, the next day I didn’t. November 10th, 2010 I finally got myself real help. For some reason significant life events that don’t pertain to school happen to me in November. My uncle dying, the worse instances of my depression, my grandfather dying, having to withdraw from a class because I would have failed it otherwise, break-ups, fights, a whole manner of personal stuff I would rather not deal with.

Yet, here I am a completely different person. Okay, maybe not completely, but if you told me that I would be six months away from graduating from college, in a happy, stable relationship and living with my boyfriend, I would’ve just stared blankly at you. Sometimes though, I do miss the emotional pain and anguish I went through all of those years. I know it’s stupid, but I find that tears are comforting. I don’t cry as often as I used to, and it disturbs me a little.

Anyway, I also have a little ranting to do.

“I don’t find myself attracted to my SO anymore, but I don’t want to hurt him/her.” You are not doing you SO a favor by staying with them, even though you don’t want to be. Breaking up sucks. It sucks to be both on the giving and receiving end. There is no way to make it suck less except be clear, honest, and quick.

75% of problems in relationships can be resolved with talking to each other. What a novel idea.

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Another Year Older, Another Year… Wiser?

Yesterday was my birthday, so let me regale you with the pearls o wisdom I’ve collected over my 22 years of living.

  • Appearances matter — to a point. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. You like making good impressions, right? That’s why you dress up for interviews and dates. But appearances still matter on an everyday basis too. Not to the extent that first impressions have, but it’s important to maintain a clean appearance. Shower, wash your hair, change your underwear, brush your hair and teeth, don’t wear clothing that’s too grungy and gross, and put on deodorant.
  • No one really feels like doing menial tasks. But they do them anyway. Why? It needs to be done. Some things really that simple.
  • Learn to cook/bake. Seriously. You abode will smell fantastic.
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Graduation

Apparently I could have graduated this coming December. This news is bittersweet because on one hand, I would’ve saved myself $3,000 in loans, and finally had a reprieve from school that I desperately need. One the other, most of the people I know in my major are graduating this December. There aren’t many jobs to begin with, and competition would get even more fierce. Plus, most employers aren’t filling entry-level positions in December yet.

Even though I am burnt out from school day-in and day-out, I’m definitely not mature enough to graduate in six weeks. There are too many variables at this point in time. My living, financial, and mental/emotional situation are all up in the air at this point, and I still don’t have a good grasp on what I want to do yet. My boyfriend is applying to grad schools and won’t be hearing anything until March at the very earliest. If he gets accepted to Northwestern and decides to attend, I would be moving to Illinois to be with him.

I’m not sure if getting a minor in psychology will help my career prospects at all. It’s doubtful, but you never know. Originally I took up the minor because I was interested in getting a PhD in clinical psychology, thus I needed coursework in psychology. While I have decided against a PhD in psychology, I retained the minor because it’s interesting and not for any practical reasons. Plus, I’m fairly certain my psychiatrist is secretly disappointed that I’m not getting a PhD.

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Eat ALL the Carbs!

A lot of my job in the library is shifting large, heavy, crumbly books from one shelf to another times by a couple thousand. Literally, we’re shifting 50 rows of books, each row containing at least a couple hundred books. It’s half way through the semester and we’ve just hit the half-way point. We have three student workers on this project, putting in a combined 26 hours per week on this damn project that was supposed to be finished two years ago. Yay for bureaucracy?

Anyway, the point of this post isn’t to bitch about the vault project. It’s to bitch about how the vault project makes me feel — physically. I’m not in great shape. I suck at cardio hard. Shifting involves heavy lifting, stamina, and endurance. None of which I have in spades. I work two four-hour shifts a week in the vault, so I get exhausted by the third hour. I’m well-hydrated and (usually) eat beforehand. But the problem is carbs.

I eat carbs instead of proteins. Why am I being punished for eating delicious things?! Protein lasts longer, but I don’t eat a lot of meat, hate eggs, and I can only find salted nuts. Carbs are the main staple of my diet. I usually don’t eat the “right” kind of carbs for me. Eating rice is much kinder on my body and digestive system than bread-things, but I don’t have a rice cooker and I’m too damn cheap to get one.

Anyway, I love pasta and all pasta related things. I don’t want to go out of my way to eat things that I don’t necessarily want to eat. In general I don’t want to eat, but I have to but I resent the hell outta it.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

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Ides of October

It’s already the middle of October and I’ve only posted twice (including this one). I’d like to chalk it up to being busy doing homework, but that’d be a big, fat lie. I do have homework, but it isn’t very time-consuming.

So what have I been up to? Being tired and slightly more depressed than usual. I’m doing a lot of manual labor at work causing the fatigue, but I have developed pretty great biceps. These suckers are huge. Maybe I’ll post a picture… I’m also skipping class a lot, not sleeping as much or very well, and not doing my homework.

The weather is finally getting nice and chilly, so it actually feels like fall and not July. It’s only a few months overdue. I am getting some exercise from walking to class in the morning. I think my mood and overall well-being has been affected by my lack of breakfast. It is the most important meal of the day. But I’m also not eating as well as I should.

I can’t tell if I’m getting better or worse depression-wise right now. The one year anniversary of my five-day hospital visit is coming up next month, along with my birthday. I’m thrilled that things are so much better than a year ago, but it just reminds me of how bad things were this time last year.

I’d like to fast forward to graduation day, if possible. I need to be done with classes. I’d like a real job and less stuff to juggle.

:/

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Nada

I’ve re-written this post a million times, and I am still not satisfied whatsoever with what I’ve come up with. But the conclusion I’ve come to is that I’m a boring flake. I don’t answer texts or voice messages, unless you’re a medical professional or you’re offering me a paid internship. I feel like such a bitch because people keep asking me to hang out, but my availability is so limited that it’s difficult for me to schedule things.

For example, I was supposed to go to the mall with my friends tomorrow, but I realized a few days ago that my cousin’s wedding was the same day. And honestly, free food trumps spending money at the mall. I already RSVP’d so I wasn’t going to blow off her wedding, even though we aren’t close by any means. I really wanted to go to another cousin’s wedding, but it’s in Seattle. My parents aren’t going, so it would just be awkward all around.

Now that I have two group projects under my belt, it’s going to be even more impossible to get a hold of me. I’m unavailable Tuesdays and Thursdays. Mondays and Fridays I’m free after 5:00 pm, and the weekends are tricky. I’m usually doing homework or cleaning or catching up on whatever I have to do. Plus, I hate leaving my cat in the apartment since I’m gone eight hours a day or more. I don’t want her to get lonely.

Classes and work take up most of my time, while therapy takes up the equivalent of a three-credit course and then some. Plus, I have a night class on Thursdays, so I’m working 7 hours that day then off for another 3.5 hours for class. I can’t skip work because I have to eat and pay rent. I’ve already skipped class way too much. And I’m not skipping therapy.

But in better news, I had an interview for a paid internship a week ago. A lot of my friends in my major also applied for that internship, so competition is fierce. I should be hearing back from them by today or the very latest by next week. I also bought a new laptop because my old one … sucks. I just got it last night! It’s all very exciting.

But I’m still struggling with taking care of myself and finding the motivation to do things. I may be getting a light therapy box because my psychiatrist and I noticed that I become more depressed when it’s cloudy or rainy. Speaking of the weather though, it’s been 80+ degrees F every day this week. It’s October. Ugh… I hate hot weather, and every room I go to on campus is air conditioned so I freeze to death in those classes.

I’m off to slave away at class and work. Those books won’t move themselves unfortunately.